‘Tis the season for the Christmas Spirit of exchanging gifts to show loved ones that you care. However, if you didn’t care enough to get off your lazy butt and go to the store, or at least order something online-that would’ve been just as good for goodness sake- like I inevitably do every year, you may be in a bit of a time crunch. Have no worries, because your friendly neighborhood slacker has put in more time and effort to get out of this jam than doing what he’s supposed to. Fret not my fellow procrastinators; here are some quick fix present possibilities.

A Pack of Gum- Given the amount of times I’m propositioned for gum on a regular school day you’d think it’s a precious metal. Well, shower your friends and family in gold (foil) straight from your front pocket. Bonus points for wintergreen or peppermint flavor.

Stolen Office Supplies- Nothing says holiday spirit like a stack of post-it notes and pens. Who wouldn’t love this functional gift that only takes a swipe from the backpack belonging to the neurotically organized girl in your English class.

A Box of Tissues- While sometimes good for extra points in one of your classes back in middle school, this gift now serves as a last second present for your loved ones. This is an instantly useful gift for when they start crying over the fact that you don’t care enough about them to get them a “real” gift.

Some of Your Own Clothes- It’s a win/win scenario. If they like it you just clutched a Christmas present. If they hate it you get your clothes back (but your feelings hurt if you have thin skin).  A good way to get rid of some of those department store boxes your mother kept saying “they’d come in handy one day.” Warning: Make sure it’s washed and you haven’t worn it a while before giving it to them.

A Stray Animal- Who doesn’t love furry little critters? It’s almost every kid’s dream to live out that rehashed Christmas cliché of receiving an adorable little puppy on Christmas morning. Sure, it’s actually a raccoon and it has rabies, but hey the way it foams at the mouth is so cute.

*This is merely a fake advice column, any disownments, ruined friendships/relationships, and burned bridges are not my responsibility. All complaints should be sent to: areyouseriousthiswassatirewhatdidyouthinkwouldhappenwhenyouhandledaliveraccoon@gmail.com