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Sports: What Are They?

Andrew Kolba, Contributing Writer

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The thousand-year-old question: what are sports? Sports, as an art form, is something you do, something you play. But why?

Sports was created by Donald J. Sportman in 1942.

His first sport, Sportball, was a huge hit amongst the Irish youth community. It became a competitive sport when Argenelo Hindenburg, world renowned sportsman, suggested it.

“I mean, like, why not?” asked Hindenburg in 1944 when asked about his plans to make sports competitive. “Sports are fun, but how can we make them more fun?”

And, with that, sports changed forever.

In 1944, the first hall-of-fame Sportsman, Shaquille O’Neil, invented a new sport, Bounceball.

Bounceball started as a small pastime. Mr. O’Neil would often play Bounceball with his brothers in the fields of their farmhouse.

In 1945, three men in black suits invaded the O’Neil residence, eliminating the entirety of the O’Neil bloodline except for Shaquille.

The German government claimed the assassinations were a mistake, that the wrong O’Neil family was targeted and eliminated.

However, Mr. O’Neil claims otherwise.

“They entered my home and murdered my family,” Mr. O’Neil said after the murders. “The men told me that they had been watching me, collecting information about Bounceball and my particular ability in my game. They told me the only way I’d live another day is if I play for their Government-funded Bounceball team, the Los Angeles Lakers.”

From that day forward, Bounceball became a professional sport operated under the NSA (National Sports Association).

In 1946 Donald J. Sportsman fell ill and stepped down from the president of the NSA. Sportsman chose Argenelo Hindenburg as his replacement.

“It’s an honor,” Hindenburg said in response to his new presidency.

After Hindenburg took the mantel, he made significant changes to the rules of Sportball.

“We are going to legalize steroids and other performance enhancement drugs,” Hindenburg declared in 1947. “Our players will be smarter, more efficient, and, most importantly, stronger.”

The new rule was met with immediate praise from fans, players, and sportspeople alike. The sudden and drastic new rule caught the attention of President Harry S. Truman.

“I am a huge sports fan,” President Harry S. Truman said in 1947. “And believe me, Argenelo Hindenburg knows what he’s doing.”

President Truman famously left office in late 1947 to pursue a professional career in Sportball.

Truman’s Sportball career was infamously unsuccessful. To boost his strength and agility, Truman injected steroids.

Truman went on to lead a successful Sportball career from then on, but, sadly, overdosed on roids in his New York after winning the 87th annual Sportsbowl in 2014 at one hundred twenty years old.

Truman’s untimely death was an eye-opener to the NSA.

In early 2015, the Supreme Court ruled in the banning of performance enhancement drugs such as steroids and Capri-Sun Ultra.

Sports have come a long way from the streets of Ireland and the fields of Newark, New Jersey. It’s no wonder they’re so popular today.

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Sports: What Are They?